Disclaimer: This is a touchy subject, in which many may classify as a very subjective & personal topic. But I want to express that there is more to the climbing lifestyle than rocks & rope. So here I am laying my emotions, expressions & opinions down. So just hear me out, if you desire.
In the past couple years climbing has become an important part of my life… moreover daily life. It impacts almost everything and everyone I interact with. To the point where my mood is directly linked if I got to touch real rock or plastic that week. Speaking further, there is an interesting section of my life that climbing has drastically altered: relationships. The pool of “reasonable” men to date has bottle-necked. For the reason: climbing is more than a sport at this point, its a lifestyle. There are a few separate and individual reasons how/why my world of dating transformed.
- The physical aspect of it all. (All the feminists can talk hate on me, but this is how I see it) Before climbing I had a very VERY skinny physique. I stayed relatively healthy and never exercised. Godbless my parent’s chromosomes for high metabolism genes leading to my daintiness. Climbing and nothing else made me lose the little amount of fat I had, then gained MASSIVE muscles on my forearms and abs.
With that background info stated… This bullet point #1 arises from a guy I dated who was significantly “less buff” than I. I wasn’t bothered by this… but here lies the issue: he was more bothered by it than I was. At first we would joke about it, but time went by and I began to see that it genuinely bothered him. To the point where it got in the way of us having a good time. It was most indefinite when taking him out climbing at the gym for the first time. Within five minutes all he did was (jokingly) complain how “your too strong for me… if you grow more muscles you will look like a man…” etc. At that point, I was done.
Another instance is when I took someone out (whom I was interested in) for a multipitch trad climb. He had a personality I can groove with, but the test is to see if we can climb together well. I first learned I was physically stronger than him. In which the hike to the base of the mountain was too intense for him… while I handled it perfectly fine. Also that I had to rope gun all the pitches, which I was also fine with for a 5.8 climb… but its like dang boy. Starting the route I quickly learned that I was also mentally stronger. It was first belay station of the multipitch climb, with two bolts and one chain on a hanger. I lead that first pitch and set a bomber anchor with a cordalette at the belay station. A huge ledge gave me a very comfortable stance to bring him up. Once he followed up to the anchors he started freaking out and getting scared of how high we were. He became sloppy transferring belays and and still got sketched out with the bolted anchors. In all combination, the whole situation was a major turnoff. I am not (entirely) a shallow person mind you. A good conversation, good time & trust are the most important to me in partner. But hey, I like to feel like my partner could defend me & out climb me if I needed him to… and not the other way around. But, in all aspects I am fully aware that this reason is solely physical and nothing else. - Dating “non-climbers”. As stated earlier, climbing isn’t just a sport… its a lifestyle. I found that my daily life changed once I started climbing routinely. I do have a life outside of climbing. I’m a full time college student studying Biochemisty, and I have a job as a creative director on Youtube (Youtube.com/NDTitanLady).
- So my weekday is as follows: wakeup -> school -> errands -> gym -> sleep -> repeat.
- While the weekends are: outdoor climbing trips to god knows where & (maybe) laundry duty.
Lack of give in my schedule doesn’t allot much time. Reducing my studies is out of the question & I am not very willing to give up climbing time (especially climbing trips). Also, I would always rather spend a day in Jtree getting my tips ripped by the Quartz Moizonite on JBMFP, than go watch a $15 movie I can torrent later or get wasted and what happened the following day. Climbing is a part of my daily life. I think and dream about it all day, all year. This “non-climber” dating no no comes from experience. I was in a serious relationship with someone I truly loved. For some reason I am a very devout person when it comes to relationships. As in, I would want to spend all my time with my significant other. I tried to balance my time with climbing and a relationship. I found out my (at the time) “non-climbing” boyfriend would not appreciate me going out and climbing out with other manly men constantly. I mean hell, I can’t help that majority of the sex in the sport of climbing are men. My motivation and psyche for climbing is fueled by feeding off people’s energy. In all honesty I really do enjoy climbing with guys more, they push me and I like to try to keep up without feeling to be equal or better. Surrounding myself with majority men, in a male dominated sport was inevitable.
- Not down for a commitment. Yes, I’m sure there are men that do not fit in this category (or sometimes the timing of the situation is what messes everything up)… but a some out of the few climbing men I attempted to be in a relationship with seemed to follow this same pattern. It all starts out as a dream. I think he’s rad, he thinks i’m rad, everything seems radtastic. We go on climbing dates, dates, blah blah. It works out great, we have our own separate daily lives but at some point during the week can come together and have a great time climbing. Then some time passes, and he gets the vibe I want to have a label and be “exclusive”. Once this stage happens, feelings fade quick. Sketchy McAlister arises, and personality changes.
3rd time is the charm rite? Psyche. Ive heard the same thing again and again, “I don’t think I’m ready to be in a relationship.” dun Dun DUNNNN. Nonetheless how much that sucks for me, I do have great respect that they expressed their opinion before things continued any further. But it’s just so confusing. Things seemed so right, we had chemistry and can share the same passion. Then the switch is flipped dramatically. We become strangers, again.
Climbing men are nomads, rocks are their 1st love. Climbing is their #1 girlfriend, anyone else is just a mistress. It seems like the thought of a committed relationship closes them up. They feel that when the title of bf & gf arrives, obligation of a relationship also follows. Which I can understand, because i’ve seen it before. Once friends would get in a relationship… its like they got kidnapped, I never see them around anymore. That being said, climbing men might not be down to get tied down; it might take them away from girlfriend #1, rock climbing.
I’m not down to be the mistress, so it just never works out after those few weeks/months of attempting to be girlfriend #2. So I just established a rule for myself. No more dating in the gym. Or as my friends bluntly state, “don’t shit where you eat“. As things may seem promising, you never know where it can end. So to avoid another awkward tension, leave gym friends as friends. The fact of the matter is: you see the same people at the gym on a weekly, (or worse) a daily basis. Because trust me…It isn’t fun pretending a person doesn’t exist even though they are climbing 2 feet away from you. So your frequently visited gym = off limits. Thus, dating world bottle-necked further. Geez, if the bottle was necked any further it might as well be a can.
Lastly, I just want to apologize if anyone reading this happened to be offended. It is my honest opinion from experience & has been a topic of discussion many times within my climbing camaraderie. Also, to those men I’ve dated and somehow managed to find and read this, none of these points may apply to you. It is a collective discussion of personal stories from myself or friends. I am still young, no rush to figure out myself and what I really want. I know I don’t need a man to make me fell happy, because climbing & life accomplishments already suffices. But nonetheless…no regrets & no heavy hearts. Still in there being optimistic for future encounters, to keep an open mind. Just go with the flow and see what happens? Right? *sigh*
from the heart of,
-Natalie Duran.
love this nat. keep your chin up, and as always.. life will work out in its strange way :]
talk about timing, reading this at this point in my life, I completely get where you’re coming from. I don’t entirely agree with every single point (I do with most of them, to be sure), but I get it. I think for me the origins are different with the end results being quite similar.
I’ve never been someone who needs a girlfriend to be complete, but law school is a hugely stressful undertaking and it would be nice to find someone to spend time with, especially a climber, because it is, as you say, a lifestyle. Ultimately I want someone I can swing leads with and someone who has the same connection to the granite that I do.
My mastery of the Patience virtue is elusive.
Didn’t realize you had a blog (among all your other multimedia undertakings) consider yourself bookmarked!
Entertaining read, keep it up!
I watched one of your videos (great work). But I know what you mean about meeting someone great and then having it all fall apart. To be honest I haven’t figured out a reason for it besides the fact that I get bored with the relationship. It sounds terrible but its very true. I’m not suggesting this is what happened with your relationships just giving you an example of what happened to me. Feel free to reply back.
I see how that can happen. Climbing is so adventurous, always going with a daily dose of adrenaline. I can see how the norms and safe aspects of a comfortable relationship can get bland real quick. Good point Taylor.
I have been in the same situation, but from the dood side of it. A piece of advice that might help. It helps to find someone that has a similar physical lifestyle passion in their life; be it, hiking, running, cycling… Someone that understands juggling training, getting out and preforming and all the neurotic things that come with it.
As a Biology/french student who uses all free time for climbing too, for me it comes down to seeing another person have passion and dedication for whatever it is that they love. Whether it be school, climbing, work, etc… it inspires me and makes me respect someone who realizes what they love and go for their passion wholeheartedly. More often than not, climbers who are like this apply that same mentality to many other things in their life too, making them just really passionate and driven people. Cool post, definitely identify with you!
As someone stated above, the timing of this article was pretty coincidental. I just had a conversation with a fellow climber after he snagged a cute girls number about how I don’t believe in dating from the gym. The quote you used, though too the point, was a little more crass than i’d use…
But it definitely get’s the job done.
as for the rest of the your 3 points… Sorry about guys with confidence issues. regardless of what would cause those to come up, be it another sport or job or anything, it would still be a huge set back. definitely keep an eye out for someone who’s got it together. Confident enough to stand on their own. And able to stand with you.
Dating “Non-Climbers” almost feels moot at this point. 9 months in, and this is my life. I speak it, think it and God knows I dream it. Climbing is a part of me. How do I fall for someone who hasn’t shared in that to some degree on their own? And the time devoted to it… haha
Lastly, Not down for commitment? I haven’t had issues with anyone I’ve met having commitment issues as It’s never gotten that far. Whole heartedly agreeing with not dating from my gym, or work, it’s hard to actually meet someone and intend to pursue anything as these are really the only two places I find myself.
All in all, it creates a pretty narrow field. But I’m cool with that.
I guess for now, this is how it is. I’m content. And I’m patient enough to see where things go from here. Thanks for the insight. You beat me to the punch, and may have said it better than I would have.
thanks
James
Yup, I was dating my second climber guy(the first was well a gym find, not doing that again) and I’m guessing #3 is where things fell apart. Things were going great and then the distance set in. Which sucks, because we have a really sweet climbing trip planned for early January. Not really sure what happened, but this was a good read and def hit home. Thanks for sharing. Glad to know I’m not the only one having this trouble.
First off, nice blog. I dig it.
Regarding this blog post; sounds like you’ve got good insight on this.
I just started climbing. I can’t believe I didn’t start sooner. I’m in my element when I climb. Live it, breath it, eat it (cliff bars? lol), etc. It’s taken over my life it seems, and I love it. Anyway, since I’ve started climbing, I can’t imagine dating anyone who doesn’t climb. Hell, dating someone who climbed better than me would make me strive to climb better than her… not because I’m competitive, but because I always want to improve and well… it’s just another reason to push myself. I’d never be able to spend time with a girl if she didn’t climb, or more specifically, wasn’t as obsessed with it as much as I am. Climbers should just date climbers, but that’s just my opinion. I do agree with the whole “don’t date anyone from the gym” comment. That should go without saying lol.
Anyway, I’m off to my climbing gym! Again, great blog. I’ll have to bookmark it at my home computer whenever I get internet again haha (at work… shhh)
Linked here from geargals. As someone a few years older than you, try to keep some perspective. Let’s say you hurt your shoulder and can’t climb for a year. What happens to the boyfriend you chose so you could climb together every day? Also, while climbing is your life right now, I can tell you that you may decide in 5 years that something else is your life. Just try to keep an open mind
You could easily marry the perfect climbing partner only to discover, once you’re not climbing every day, that he’s not the perfect partner. In fact, this exact thing happened to a friend…